2009 New Year’s Anti Resolutions

I know it’s not quite the new year yet, but as it’s my last post of 2008 I thought it a good time for my annual New Year’s Anti-Resolutions.

These are really more of a writing exercise than real resolutions—a way to get the new year off to a creative start. Although, if you do it right, these resolutions should be a breeze to keep.

The rules are simple:

• List ten things you resolve not to do in the upcoming year.
• Be as creative as possible.
• Post them on your blog and leave a link in your comment below.

To get thing rolling, here are…

My 2009 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

1. I will not get my kids hooked on coffee in an attempt to keep them little by stunting their growth.
2. I will not post my daughter in a fake auction on eBay, just to see how much I could get for her.
3. I will not go to the library and put misleading, handwritten notes in the margins of books to throw off other researchers.
4. I will not propagate an internet hoax alleging that our new president’s speeches contain secret advertising messages sold to US companies as a way to help fight the recession.
5. I will not try to convince my kids to punch up their essays for school through liberal use of the elusive seventh vowel.
6. I will not advocate the use of disposable batteries to create home electroshock therapy kits.
7. I will not subject the world to the recipe for tofu chip cookies.
8. I will not preach belief in the ancient Norse Gods as a way to return to Family Values.
9. I will not teach my six-year-old how to play craps so that he can hustle his classmates to supplement his lunch allowance.
10. I will not fake disturbing conversations over my Bluetooth headset in public, as a way of determining who is eavesdropping.